keep yourself cold

22nd August 2010

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haven’t been to a wedding lately

Weddings: Never been to one I really enjoyed mostly because I’ve never been to one where I really know the people. First off, you sit around for a long time, and then you go to some reception and awkwardly eat food while people you don’t know talk about things. Then mysterious monks in red wander in, red hoods all up in their face, chanting things in arcane languages. I also hate the bit where it’s an outdoor wedding but of course they wanted to have it in September, I mean come on, if you’re going to get married outside August is a pretty safe bet, unless you live where I live, where it rains every day, but say have the wedding in Hawaii. That would also deal with the other major problem, namely that everyone has to wear formal dress or they look weirdly out of place, and when you look weirdly out of place nobody listens to your warnings no matter how ferociously you scream, until the bears get loose and then there are bears, everywhere, till you can’t move for bears. And then: the Mauling starts. I also hate the bit where the pastor is giving his message, on marriage or whatever, and it’s really hot inside or outside, and I’m wearing black, because, you know, wedding (and if it was in Hawaii we could all wear shorts). So I really want to sleep but it’s too boring to sleep. And then by the time the ceiling caves in, and the thing with ten thousand mouths begin to scream, and you see the tendrils of reality torn across a million twisted mirrors of skies, and you can feel the earth splitting open and hear the shrieking of a billion billion crows, and there’s no room for breathing or thinking or even bleeding, and you just wish you could have had the wedding in Hawaii, where at least you could put your feet in the water and eat a bucket of sushi, if they had sushi in Hawaii.