keep yourself cold

15th October 2010

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Adventures With Bears

In today’s adventure we are going to learn about Bears, their ways, their habitats, and their foul Chaos cults.

Mankind has traditionally had a morbid fear of bears, bordering on the psychotic and delusional. What is the reason for this wide-ranging phobia? Some retarded quack scientists have theorized that it is due to the Common Bear’s ability to rend human flesh and bones as easily as I rend my delicious chicken fingers. The horrifying truth is that Bears inflict this terror upon us via the foul alien forces their sickening cults of doom conjure up.

When a young Bear is born, the first thing he learns is that foraging will provide all manner of healthy and tasty snacks — from juicy berries, to delicious honey, to the sweet flavour of the spawning salmon. The second thing he learns is that the Elder Gods will soon rise from their dark places in the depths of the earth to take their rightful place as destroyers of all organic matter and sentient thought, and that the role of the Bear is to act as a vessel to pass that unbearable horror on to the human psyche.

However, in a cruel quirk of nature, Bears were born with severely limited intellects, and as a result the most they can hope to do is make a Wilderness Explorer feel a mild fear of dismemberment. As a result, most Bears are very sad — and often need counseling from trained professionals.

Counseling that Bears are too poor to afford.

In the next episode of Adventures With Bears, we learn why Bears enjoy honey, and why everyone loves Bees and their wonderful stingers — but not their ability to possess and control the human brain like a demented jack-in-the-box from hell.