February 2011
1 post
levisan asked: Why?
December 2010
1 post
Detective Clompshoes in: One Minute Mysteries
Detective Clompshoes surveyed the grisly scene with gruesome relish, chomping on his cigar for a moment before realizing that it was actually his finger.
“Ouch,” he said, watching dispassionately as a single bead of blood dripped onto the cold concrete.
The guy in front of him was dead. That much was clear. Clompshoes could tell by all the bullet holes. He stuck the gun back into his...
November 2010
4 posts
sparkthots asked: So what is the truth about the robot apocalypse anyway?
jottomadai asked: How's the cold treating you?
Detective Clompshoes in: One Minute Mysteries
Detective Clompshoes glared at the grisly scene, chomping into his cigarette with unwholesome relish.
“I’ve seen this before, rookie,” he growled, turning to the quivering officer beside him. “A man murdered with twelve pounds of chewing gum. It’s a bad way to go.”
“Bad,” the rookie agreed, quailing in his boots, wishing he was at home consuming...
The Nature of Humour
It’s a commonly recognized fact that some things are fundamentally hilarious. Monkeys, for example, can make anything hilarious, even if they’re just the punchline to a grocery list. Watch this, for example:
Grocery List: Milk, eggs, bread, monkeys
This brings to mind a joke I heard once. It was told to me by a swarthy Assyrian* sailor on a sun-drenched wharf somewhere in the Orient....
October 2010
1 post
Adventures With Bears
In today’s adventure we are going to learn about Bears, their ways, their habitats, and their foul Chaos cults.
Mankind has traditionally had a morbid fear of bears, bordering on the psychotic and delusional. What is the reason for this wide-ranging phobia? Some retarded quack scientists have theorized that it is due to the Common Bear’s ability to rend human flesh and bones as...
September 2010
1 post
Today, I will helpfully throw down the facts on movies currently out there in movie-watching places. I have seen all of them, not a joke*.
The American
Dramatis personae:
An American
Extras (Foreign)
Machete
The moving story of one man’s personal quest for justice and mass disembowelment.
Eat Pray Love
In this movie, Julia Roberts does the following things.
Eats
Prays
Loves
...
August 2010
2 posts
wecanreachthesea asked: what's with your new theme and WHY ARN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME?
haven't been to a wedding lately
Weddings: Never been to one I really enjoyed mostly because I’ve never been to one where I really know the people. First off, you sit around for a long time, and then you go to some reception and awkwardly eat food while people you don’t know talk about things. Then mysterious monks in red wander in, red hoods all up in their face, chanting things in arcane languages. I also hate the...
July 2010
4 posts
jottomadai asked: So why did you say to yourself that fateful day, “Self. GET AWAY FROM THESE PIRATES”?
levisan asked: Would you call an eReader a literary device?
levisan asked: Why should I ask you anything? What if I don't want to?
Fifa!
The following points sum up my opinion of the World Cup, which I did not watch, and never have. (Spain won. Go Spain.)
1. Has anyone noticed the vuvuzelas? Don’t they sound great? I love those things. I would like one of my own. I would like an army of them.
2. Did you know that this year, David Villa became the first Spanish player to miss a spot kick in the tournament? It’s true!...
June 2010
1 post
Necromancy
So I happened to wander by this old place again recently and noticed that I haven’t posted ANYTHING in an extremely long time. Contrary to that bizarre rumour that’s been floating around, this isn’t because I was kidnapped by pirates. Actually, no, it’s totally because I was kidnapped by pirates.
Today, I sat down at my old familiar seat, and I looked at my shiny monitor...
May 2010
1 post
I’m not posting anymore because pirates have kidnapped me. No joke
April 2010
2 posts
I’ve noticed a curious phenomenon recently and I thought it was about time I called attention to it and tried to clear some things up. It’s like this: of my small handful of avid followers, a few are known personally to me, and the rest are pretty much all blogging fashion images. Since birth, I have never been one to back down from unfathomable mysteries (except that one about how...
How to be sarcastic
My eventual goal is to write a complete guide for every aspect of life. I like to start with the most important stuff.
How To Be Very Sarcastic!!
Step One: Be Sincere About It You Idiot!
You know people can tell when you’re not really being sarcastic, right? Like when you’ve just had a bad day and the dentist took out all of your teeth and then forget where he put them, and had to...
March 2010
6 posts
Phew it’s been a long time. Rather than...
“Animal Farm has saved me from vegetarianism. Now every time I eat a pig,...”
In Vegas You Can Be
Watched a movie called 21 last night. My favorite line in the movie is The Girl’s remark to The Protagonist, namely, “In Vegas you can be anyone”. Predictably it’s this remark, and not earlier promises that he would soon be drowning in a tsunami wave of thousand dollar bills, that convinces our hero to join the “We Count Cards for Money” club.
Tragically the...
“Did you notice how short that post was yesterday? The one that was so short it...”
– Don’t pretend you didn’t notice you were paying rapt attention
Lot of long posts lately, am I right? (Yes I am...
February 2010
8 posts
Columba livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
“Visiting hour is nearly over,” someone was saying, as I rubbed my eyes and stared blankly at the wall. The wall stared blankly back at me. It was, I realized, the blankest wall I had ever seen, extraordinarily white and calming. I liked the wall. It was a good wall to stare at.
“Someone here to see you,” said the nurse.
I turned a little blearily to see a man sitting...
Columbia livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
“His moments of lucidity are becoming more frequent,” remarked a voice from the darkness. “I’d hold out a faint measure of hope for at least a partial recovery.”
I yawned. “Ah, he seems to be awake,” said the voice. “Let’s see how he’s doing.”
It dawned on me I should likely be a bit befuddled by this voice and its remarks,...
Columba livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
“How are you feeling today?” someone asked.
He was standing next to me smiling kindly. I blinked a few times and tried to remember where I was. I could see high concrete walls around me and heard the distant sound of roving automobiles.
“Am I dreaming?” I mumbled drowsily.
“No,” said the stranger, “this is real life. Do you remember me?”
I...
Columba livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
As it turned out I was not on fire, though most of my immediate surroundings were, and those that were not were the ocean. Luckily the combination of the two meant that one or the other was unlikely to last. Even more luckily, the ocean seemed to be coming out on top as time went on, meaning that the buoyant chunk of airplane I was clinging to was rapidly becoming more soggy and less incinerated....
Columba livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
I woke up to the sound of my telephone meowing. My brain, enfeebled as it was by sleep and restless dreams, at first interpreted the sound as an oncoming army of murderous cats, about which I felt surprisingly complacent. When I opened my eyes I was slightly disappointed to see a room devoid of feline fiends. There were only a few pigeons clustered on my windowsill, and they promptly fluttered...
Columba livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
On the evening of the day my friend died, I was wandering home along the boulevard, or some such quaint thing, pondering. The mysterious volume was tucked under my arm. While conversing with the coroner and several members of the police force earlier that day at my friend’s house, I had noticed the book lying unobtrusively in a corner, concealed by a potted plant of unusual repulsiveness....
Columba livia domestica Arcana: A Tale of Terror....
Yesterday I attended an appointment with my psychotherapist. He is clinically insane. Just as one who wishes to learn of rockets visits a rocket scientist, and one who wishes to learn of language visits a linguist, those wishing to learn of clinically insane psychics visits a clinically insane psychotherapist. I am one such intriguing person with an appetite for uncommon knowledge. When I arrived...
On advertising
Where I work there is a lovely radio program all the employees get to listen to. Usually it plays terrible music, but occasionally it also plays good music, which is then promptly interrupted by a lengthy PA announcement. For the sake of variety a bit of advertising is frequently added to the mix. Most of them are for the same thing. I would describe these ads with vitriolic scorn, but I...
January 2010
12 posts
On acronyms
Don’t know if you’ve noticed this but the words at the top of the screen? They say keepyourselfcold cause that’s what I named this little section of the internet for some unfathomable reason. If you made this into an acronym it would probably be KYC. I know this because that’s what Evan always calls it and that usually confuses me for several seconds while I rack my brain...
On roofing (also Science)
So not long ago I stumbled across this blog. It’s by this guy who is really enthusiastic about, wait for it, roofs. This mystified me at first. Usually my thoughts on roofs don’t extend past an apathetic “they sure are handy dandy when it rains” kind of attitude. If I had ever thought about it I would have assumed everyone else felt the same way. This guy though thinks...
What to do if you meet a terrorist
I feel that I am obligated to share this information.
1. You do not know this person is a terrorist. This is because he is not carrying a bomb. He is a clever terrorist. He is going to use his cell phone to kill you with dangerous radiation. For sixteen years you won’t notice a thing, and then bam, brain cancer.
2. He does not know you do not know he is a terrorist. He thinks you have...
On big sticks and old ideas
Today, for some reason, I was thinking. I was thinking about a book I read a long time ago. Not sure why I was thinking about it, since I remember it being fairly mediocre, but such are the inexorable machinations of my brain. It was a little book known as “The Whipping Boy”, and it was historical fiction or some such nonsense typically employed to make you think that History Can Be...
A love ode
Levi sent me a photo yesterday. As he often does. Yesterday’s photo, rather than being a photo, was just text and well, I guess I might as well just show you:
So yeah. Not sure what he meant to imply by sending it to me. Maybe that I need to get off the internet and go fall in love, or something. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’ve half-taken his kind advice. I have fallen in...
Why Levi is a hero
1. Doesn’t wear shoes
2. Doesn’t wear pants
3. Is slowly infiltrating the ranks of the spambots by appearing to be one of them
4. Barefoot, gravelly field, full of thistles. HE KNOWS NOT THE MEANING OF PAIN
5. THE SPAMBOTS NEVER SAW HIM COMING
6. NO SLEEP FOR ME TONIGHT!
oh yeah, and if Levi doesn’t <3 this I’ll know he’s a villain.
The Tale of the Unstoppable Man
The Unstoppable Man was a legend amongst superpeoples all throughout fictional America. Nerds debating who had earned the title of Greatest Superhero, after fighting bitterly and brutally about Batman and Spiderman and Superman and every other conceivable Man, would suddenly be reunited in the bonds of brotherhood the moment they remembered the Unstoppable Man. There could never be any question...
My super great awesome idea
So I was reading pearls before swine yesterday. (Don’t judge me!) It was all about this crocodile dad, and the joke is that he’s none too bright, and that he thinks Google is a very powerful friend of his neighbor who knows all, instead of just a stupid website that anyone can go rub their fingers all over whenever they feel like it. This sparked off the circuits of my brain dedicated...
December 2009
14 posts
Today, I make a list.
So Levi just posted a list of his favorite movies of the decade. And it was a messed up list, to say the least. In fact, I think Alone in the Dark was at, like, Number 3 or something. I thought about just commenting twelve or fourteen times indicating how annoyed I was at his choices, but then I realized that it would probably be more constructive to just make my own list. Top 100 of the Decade...
This is what I did yesterday. SO SEE IT...
The Adventures of Bobby Exposition: Episode 2
Voice: Hello? Who's there?
Bobby: Ah! If it is not the voice of Mr Wimberly-Torpleton, my friend and benefactor, and the resident of the house whose door I have just rapped upon firmly!
Mr Wimberly-Torpleton: Oh, it's you. Come on in.
Bobby: My, opening that door was precisely as easy as it has always been. How are you, Mr Wimberly-Torpleton? I notice that you are sitting down and eating a sandwich.
Mr Wimberly-Torpleton: I'm fine, Bobby, thanks. How are you?
Bobby: My life has recently taken a turn for the worse, in that a police inspector has become irritated with my winsome ways and requested that I be eviscerated as rapidly as possible! I have come here with the intent of requesting protection from the Secret Resistance.
Mr Wimberly-Torpleton: Well, Bobby, I'm not so sure we can help you.
Bobby: What?
Mr Wimberly-Torpleton: I'm sure you'll understand, Bobby.
Bobby: Yes, in fact I do! Now it all becomes clear. You too are secretly annoyed at my fantastic level of charm and desire to rid yourself of association with me! I feel a curious sensation of betrayal, which is similar to a combination of sadness and anger in nearly equal measure.
Mr Wimberly-Torpleton: Good luck fighting off that army of ten thousand evil death robots, Bobby. Shut the door on your way out.
Bobby: I would utter foul swears, were it not for the loving tender care of my biological mother during my formative years.
Mr Wimberly-Torpleton: You were adopted.
Bobby: [CENSORED]
Ten Thousand Killer Death Robots: PARTY TIME
Blog Watch!
Today I will be introducing an exciting new feature - Levi’s Blog Watch! The other day, you see, I was sitting around trying to think of ways to improve Levi’s blog. (I know, a nearly impossible task.) Then inspiration struck like a ton of raw fish. What his blog really needs is complex, detailed analysis! I was all stoked about doing this and then noticed that his blog was down.
This...
Work Safety
Remember! An accident could happen at any moment! At any second! One moment you’re reaching into the meat slicer to pull out a trapped squirrel, the next thing you know inexorable blades of death are drawing you inward! Always obey your evil alien masters! Here is a testimony from a real-life victim of work-related accidents:
“I’d been working at my job for seven years. One day,...