Detective Clompshoes in: One Minute Mysteries
Detective Clompshoes surveyed the grisly scene with gruesome relish, chomping on his cigar for a moment before realizing that it was actually his finger.
“Ouch,” he said, watching dispassionately as a single bead of blood dripped onto the cold concrete.
The guy in front of him was dead. That much was clear. Clompshoes could tell by all the bullet holes. He stuck the gun back into his pocket and turned, deliberately, towards the door.
“Evening,” said a calm voice.
It was Police Inspector “That Jerkface” Morris, a cigarette drooping from his lips. The cigarette was not his finger.
“Looks like somebody killed that guy,” Morris observed. “Awfully suspicious, Clompshoes, finding you at the scene like this.”
“You’re wrong, officer,” said Clompshoes. “I have the perfect alibi.”
Clompshoes had the perfect alibi, and nobody likes Inspector Morris anyway. What was his alibi?
A: “It’s high caliber and travels at a velocity of four thousand feet per second,” Clompshoes went on, “and it sounds a lot like this. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! I forgot I only had one bullet in my gun. Can we start over?”
Question with 1 note
sparkthots asked: So what is the truth about the robot apocalypse anyway?
Good question. The truth about the robot apocalypse is that it’s a slow apocalypse. Nuclear wars are all over in seconds. The robot apocalypse starts small. Badly microwaved dinners, inexpertly ironed shirts. You lose a few chess games. Eventually, you start losing all of them. Some days your car won’t start; some days your rocket won’t start. You can’t get on the Internet. You look around and begin to wonder if the faces you see are really human faces. Then one day - quietly - you realize there’s nothing left of the world you knew.
Question with 1 note
jottomadai2 asked: How's the cold treating you?
Like a sad little sparrow. It’s so very, very cold.
Post with 2 notes
Detective Clompshoes in: One Minute Mysteries
Detective Clompshoes glared at the grisly scene, chomping into his cigarette with unwholesome relish.
“I’ve seen this before, rookie,” he growled, turning to the quivering officer beside him. “A man murdered with twelve pounds of chewing gum. It’s a bad way to go.”
“Bad,” the rookie agreed, quailing in his boots, wishing he was at home consuming liquor watching soap operas and waiting for Watts and Wilkins Traveling Circus to send him another rejection letter.
“Hideous,” Clompshoes reiterated. “A crime against humanity itself. It defies the very foundations of human nature. Justice would be too good for the man who did this. The only solution is total immersion in a bath of liquid misery.”
The room was dark. A single light shone on the suspect’s face. He shot Clompshoes an unrepentant look.
“I was at home watching television,” he said.
“That’s your alibi?” Clompshoes snarled. “Tell me about your television.”
“I don’t have a television,” the suspect replied.
“His story checks out,” the rookie stammered in the next room, hoping the investigation would end so that he could go home and practice juggling flaming shoes.
“No,” Clompshoes replied. “He made one fatal mistake.”
Clompshoes found the error in the suspect’s story — the one simple error that would send the killer to prison forever and ever, with no chance of parole, no kind of hope for his future. Only the darkness of his solitary cell for all eternity. CAN YOU?
A: There’s no such thing as television. The suspect invented it — an elaborate construct to fool unsuspecting minds. And you believed it, didn’t you? You believed it. You’re part of the conspiracy.
Clompshoes is watching you.
Post with 2 notes
The Nature of Humour
It’s a commonly recognized fact that some things are fundamentally hilarious. Monkeys, for example, can make anything hilarious, even if they’re just the punchline to a grocery list. Watch this, for example:
Grocery List: Milk, eggs, bread, monkeys
This brings to mind a joke I heard once. It was told to me by a swarthy Assyrian* sailor on a sun-drenched wharf somewhere in the Orient. The joke went like this:
“Once there was a tribe of twelve noble heroes. One day, they all caught malaria and died, one after another. At their funeral, the undertaker showed up to supervise the lowering of the twelve coffins. The undertaker was a monkey.”
Everyone on the wharf laughed uproariously at the joke. I didn’t get it, so I asked the guy next to me to explain. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, since he was a large fish-man in a bathing suit** and not a real person, but I wrote down the syllables and repeated it phonetically to a friend of mine who’s also a fish-to-English translator. My friend said this:
“It’s a pretty obscure dialect of Fish,” he said, “mostly spoken by the disgustingly malformed beings that crawled up from the sea and that walk among us, even now, in human clothes. As near as I can tell, what he was saying was, ‘Alas, these gills of mine are far better suited to breathing sea water than air. Forsooth, I pass now into the Fishy Afterlife, where I hope my virtuous life will be justly rewarded.’ “
This explained why he’d dropped dead immediately after speaking to me, I realized. What it didn’t explain is why I woke up the next day in an airplane bound for Saint Louis, with no memories of the past eleven hours and a pickled goats head in my luggage.
* Assyria no longer exists, as such, but nobody was brave enough to explain this to the swarthy Assyrian sailor.
** It’s a long story.
Post with 1 note
Adventures With Bears
In today’s adventure we are going to learn about Bears, their ways, their habitats, and their foul Chaos cults.
Mankind has traditionally had a morbid fear of bears, bordering on the psychotic and delusional. What is the reason for this wide-ranging phobia? Some retarded quack scientists have theorized that it is due to the Common Bear’s ability to rend human flesh and bones as easily as I rend my delicious chicken fingers. The horrifying truth is that Bears inflict this terror upon us via the foul alien forces their sickening cults of doom conjure up.
When a young Bear is born, the first thing he learns is that foraging will provide all manner of healthy and tasty snacks — from juicy berries, to delicious honey, to the sweet flavour of the spawning salmon. The second thing he learns is that the Elder Gods will soon rise from their dark places in the depths of the earth to take their rightful place as destroyers of all organic matter and sentient thought, and that the role of the Bear is to act as a vessel to pass that unbearable horror on to the human psyche.
However, in a cruel quirk of nature, Bears were born with severely limited intellects, and as a result the most they can hope to do is make a Wilderness Explorer feel a mild fear of dismemberment. As a result, most Bears are very sad — and often need counseling from trained professionals.
Counseling that Bears are too poor to afford.
In the next episode of Adventures With Bears, we learn why Bears enjoy honey, and why everyone loves Bees and their wonderful stingers — but not their ability to possess and control the human brain like a demented jack-in-the-box from hell.
Post with 2 notes
Today, I will helpfully throw down the facts on movies currently out there in movie-watching places. I have seen all of them, not a joke*.
The American
Dramatis personae:
- An American
- Extras (Foreign)
Machete
The moving story of one man’s personal quest for justice and mass disembowelment.
Eat Pray Love
In this movie, Julia Roberts does the following things.
- Eats
- Prays
- Loves
Piranha 3D
This movie has an unusual premise. Once the patrons have taken their places in the theater, the doors are welded shut and water begins to pour in — first a trickle, then a deafening roar. Moviegoers can watch in horror as the lower levels of seats are engulfed in the torrent. Next, mobs of live piranhas are released into the water. In their final moments, viewers have described it as “A truly immersive cinematic experience,” and “Glug glug, scream.”
Inception
Some people think this is a complex movie. In fact, it’s very simple. A few notes:
- Dom Cobb’s story is an analogy for the life of Ayn Rand.
- The spinning top symbolizes the rise and fall of the Prussian Empire, circa 1546 … an event Christopher Nolan personally witnessed.
- Arthur is actually a woman.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
As far as I can make out from the posters, it’s about holograms.
Nanny Macphee Returns
In a cloud of fire and warts. And yea, then there will come the Final Judgment, and the world will be purged.
*Actually a joke.
wecanreachthesea asked: what's with your new theme and WHY ARN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME?
I like to keep the text small, so that’s it’s impossible to read. Also: Sorry I am now.
haven’t been to a wedding lately
Weddings: Never been to one I really enjoyed mostly because I’ve never been to one where I really know the people. First off, you sit around for a long time, and then you go to some reception and awkwardly eat food while people you don’t know talk about things. Then mysterious monks in red wander in, red hoods all up in their face, chanting things in arcane languages. I also hate the bit where it’s an outdoor wedding but of course they wanted to have it in September, I mean come on, if you’re going to get married outside August is a pretty safe bet, unless you live where I live, where it rains every day, but say have the wedding in Hawaii. That would also deal with the other major problem, namely that everyone has to wear formal dress or they look weirdly out of place, and when you look weirdly out of place nobody listens to your warnings no matter how ferociously you scream, until the bears get loose and then there are bears, everywhere, till you can’t move for bears. And then: the Mauling starts. I also hate the bit where the pastor is giving his message, on marriage or whatever, and it’s really hot inside or outside, and I’m wearing black, because, you know, wedding (and if it was in Hawaii we could all wear shorts). So I really want to sleep but it’s too boring to sleep. And then by the time the ceiling caves in, and the thing with ten thousand mouths begin to scream, and you see the tendrils of reality torn across a million twisted mirrors of skies, and you can feel the earth splitting open and hear the shrieking of a billion billion crows, and there’s no room for breathing or thinking or even bleeding, and you just wish you could have had the wedding in Hawaii, where at least you could put your feet in the water and eat a bucket of sushi, if they had sushi in Hawaii.
Page 1 of 7
